Very creative story I can really appreciate that. I do feel like improving your recording technique with the mic could have seriously amped up the sound quality quite a bit. Making it easier to enjoy the story. I also got the sense that the lines were improvised. I've been in theater for years and improv can really perk up a story sometimes, especially when it improves upon a previous script, but I felt in this case it ended up being the entire story. Which is too bad, because you had a brilliant idea for it.
Anyway. Thank you for sharing! I hope if voice acting is something you're seriously interested in that you'll continue and reach out the VA community for advice and support. :)